pain.

Last november-december will mark the single most physically, spiritually, and emotionally painful month of my life.
I've got the 25 inch scar running across my chest to remember it.

but come next december instead of finding reasons to stay alive I will be in hawaii with colleagues having, hopefully the time of my life.

may I be someone else by then,

besides that, I could very well say some of the hurtful, scathing, and often even evil things that I've desired to say for so, so, so long.  but I wont, its not worth it.  I can wish so much, that so, so many things did, or didn't happen.  But they did, and I have nothing else neutral to say. Ill keep every angry outburst to myself.

to find the words.

I honestly have no idea how I am to describe any moment of the past several years of my life.

Maybe Ill be able some day to express it, but until then, I wont. I don't understand it myself,
and to be honest, i don't think I ever will.